I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
