After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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