is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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