My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
