when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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