Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
