So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
