I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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