Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
