I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
