i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
