Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize