you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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