My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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