tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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