She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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