haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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