sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish you could order shots online.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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