What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
