i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
