dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
