I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
