my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Randomize
