Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
