I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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