Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize