FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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