Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
