Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
