If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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