in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
