you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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