Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
