currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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