i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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