At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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