I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
