I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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