I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
