I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
