Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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