were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
babies were throwing up all over the place
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
