How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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