i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
