His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
