I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
