How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
