I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
