You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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