mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize