i'm signing you up for texting rehab
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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