I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
