i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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