how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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