I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
