I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
